Courage is Not the Absence of Fear

Thirteen years ago today, I was standing alone on the side of the road. Why no one offered help to a ten year old little girl in this condition I had no idea. So many people stopped their cars. Someone I didn't know had called for an ambulance. On came the cops and a fire truck and the EMS and no one noticed the little girl sitting outside the guardrail waiting for someone to notice her. I finally got up the courage to ask a woman speaking on her cell phone if I could borrow it and call my mom. She immediately hung up her call and let me dial mine. I had a mild panic attack when I couldn't remember the area code but my mother had made me memorize her number for instances just like this. "Mom, we were in a wreck. I'm ok but I don't know about Daddy or Katelyn."

At this point, a cop found me and asked to speak with my mother. An EMS guy came over, strapped me on a board (which I walked over to and climbed on all by myself). I went to the hospital. Not long after, they told me that my daddy had died and we were going to see my sister in a different hospital. I had to get back in a car.

These are the memories that on this day cloud my thoughts. What I remember is strange though. I don't remember feeling afraid. I don't remember feeling lonely. I don't remember feeling particularly sad, other than knowing deep down somehow that my dad was probably gone. I just couldn't understand why I was without an adult I knew, surrounded by other adults, and no one was worried by this. I do remember not feeling particularly hungry when the youth minister took all the younger kids and me to Whataburger. I had a chocolate shake.

Fear is a funny thing. I'm afraid of spiders. I'm afraid of people I don't know and situations I can't control. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of success. I'm afraid of going on stage and croaking. I have a strange, inexplicable fear of being shot. But somehow, at any given time, I can say to myself, "I do not have time to be afraid." I then ignore the fear, tell myself it doesn't matter if I'm afraid or not because I have things to accomplish, and do what needs to be done.

The week leading up to my move to the Big City, I went back and forth between afraid of leaving and so excited to arrive. But ultimately, I needed to move. I needed to see if I could do it. I did it. It's strange and a little unnerving sometimes. I meet lots of people and I'm lonely most of the time. I've made acquaintances but I haven't made any relationships. The thing is, I'm not afraid to try. A very smart ex-boyfriend of mine used to say, "Ask. Asking is free." Which I still to this day tell my friends to do. I've applied that to fear: Try. Trying is free. It's free advice. It's free experience. It's free credential.

Meg Cabot, the author of the Princess Diaries wrote, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. From now on you'll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey.”

Thirteen years ago today, I first made the choice to suppress fear. I suppressed my fear of talking to strangers and asked that lady for her phone. I suppressed my fear of being alone long enough to remember the area code for Austin because my mother needed to be informed. I suppressed the fear that I could be in a car wreck again and got back in the car to go see my sister, because she had been through the same thing I had.

Maybe it was stupid. Maybe it was naive. Maybe it was bravery. But somehow that stuck. The ability to ignore it and do what needed to be done stuck.

I do not have time to be afraid. I ask because it's free. I try because it's important. I do because it's necessary.