You Should Never Doubt

You should never doubt. Doubt is this evil little seedling that plants itself in a moment of thought: that moment when reason and desire battle over who will win and who will submit. The battle has to take place in order to make a commitment to a decision. But beware that scavenger that preys on questions and kills courage before it can realize its potential.

Today I doubted myself. Really, for the last week or so I've been doubting myself. At home in Texas, where I always knew people, I never had a problem finding a job when I most needed it. I never had a problem finding someone to sit down with me at an interview or recommend me to someone known to be hiring. I had no idea how lucky I was. The job search here in New York has been the worst and most prolonged nightmare of my life. Frankly, from someone who frequently has violent nightmares involving blood and the death of close friends and family, that's saying something. Not only do I have limited financial resources to survive on, I only have a handful of contacts in the NYC metropolitan area. How dare I, with the hubris of a twenty-something in possession of a bright and shiny, new diploma, move across the country expecting someone to hand me a job offer on a platter saying, "Thank you, we have been waiting for a candidate just like you to graduate so.... blahdee blah blah" ya get it. That is obviously not what happened.

But really, a month here and I only have a part-time job that will barely cover food and transportation. I have been meaning to go to an agency to get a job but I kept thinking I had nothing to offer, that I just needed to start small and work my way up. But why not get a real job? With benefits and a 401k? (By the way, will someone explain to me what exactly that is? There really should be a course in college called Application and Job Offer Lingo 1301) But I doubted myself. So today, after a weekend of hellish sickness and self-loathing, I dragged myself out of bed, put on some make-up and faked doing something with my hair, threw on my favorite jeans and moccasins, and went to the agency. After one very short hour, I was sitting in a cubicle with an agent discussing my resume. He had ideas right off the top of his head and we got right to business putting in applications. I put out six applications, came back with two interviews, and all with the added recommendation of this guy Mike. I was thrilled.

Here's the catch. IF I get one of these jobs, I may not begin working for another week or two. IF I begin working that soon, I probably won't get paid until a week or two after that start date. So I went home discouraged and bewildered. How on earth did I find myself in this ridiculous city knowing practically no one with no job prospect in sight?

Here was my second doubt. I doubted the man for whom there are so many better words than boyfriend. The Italian man I met a few weeks ago? We've kept in contact and we've talked all day every day. He is one of the kindest and most intelligent people I have ever met. I could go on. But I doubted our relationship. I began to doubt if this was smart, if he was someone I really wanted to tie myself to, if it was worth feeling alone to be with someone I knew for a week? I began to doubt his intentions. I began to doubt my intentions. Not knowing how bad I really was, the poor guy signed onto Skype anyway.

The moment I saw him, I was a bawling wad of tears and mumbling.  And can I just tell you, God put this man in my life. He did everything from offer comfort and support to offering monetary help to just trying to make me laugh by being his crazy self. I refused the help of course, but it was so nice knowing someone was on my side. I honestly couldn't tell you what we talked about for the next hour and a half because conversation is just so easy. We laughed and I finished crying and he reassured me that things happen in their own time. I will find a job when I'm meant to find one and I can't find one any sooner.

Given the six-hour time difference, Mr. Italiano (as he has been lovingly deemed by my family) had to go to sleep since he had work in the morning. So I went about my business, made dinner played with Daisy, then finally resigned myself to the fact that I needed to do laundry. Since we have to do laundry with quarters here, it's always a hunt to find enough quarters for both the wash and the dry (I need twelve, in case you were curious). With the worries of not having enough money to eat after I pay rent looming over my head, I begin to dig for quarters. I have ten quarters from my purse, so I decide to look in coat pockets. First pocket: empty. Second pocket: three bobby pins and a hair tie. Next coat, first pocket: three pennies. Second pocket: SCORE! SIX WHOLE dollars and the remaining two quarters. I just about cried. That is lunch tomorrow. Excited, I get my laundry together and head downstairs. As my mother taught me to do, I diligently check all the pockets of the clothes I am washing. Lo and behold? SCORE!! Ten dollar bill. Right there in my jeans pocket the whole time.

This was my third doubt: my God. I didn't trust him to take care of me which is why I cried, which is why I let my monkey chattering brain get to me. Sure it was just my absent-mindedness that gave me that sixteen dollars, not God, per se. But, since God obviously did not give me good budgeting skills, he gave me absent-mindedness so that I would accidentally provide for myself when I most need it.

Moral of the story? You don't have time for doubt. Doubt is crippling. Doubt is what makes a bad day worse. Second guess yourself, by all means. Make sure a decision is worth it. But when it comes down to it, don't let doubt take over. Fate has a funny way of getting what it wants whether you like it or not. Matthew 6:26 has never rung more true. Look it up if you don't know it. Don't doubt yourself. Don't doubt your relationships. And most importantly, don't doubt your God. If you don't believe in God, this is not the place to convince you. So don't doubt whatever belief it is you hold at the core of your being. It created you. It will take care of you. Let it be. And don't sweat the small stuff. It's small for a reason.